I entered into Panama August 18 of last year, rounding about to about 10 months living in the country. Time has been going soo fast for me. I can still remember the day that I got on the plane to come here and the feeling of curiosity of what was next to come as if it were yesterday. As I look back from today I get a feeling of accomplishment and also failure.
I think that I have come a long way considering that things that use to bother me. For example, I have got over my fear of using public toilets and outhouses, but only between the hours of 7am and 6pm. I have bathed in a creek without freaking out when bugs were crawling on me and lived without electricity or running water. I no longer get frustrated when people cut me in line, talk over me as if I wasn’t there, when someone is 2 hours late, when people try to plow their way in and out the bus, little kids writing chino on my apartment windows when I’m obviously not Chinese, and all the pull handles being on doors that should be pushed. But I would say out of all of the things that have happened I believe I have become a more patient and maybe a bit nicer. The Panamanians have taught me a lot about communicating with people. They are more concerned about what the other person has to say instead of what they want to get across. And for the most part they are concerned about people’s background and general welfare. Honestly I was not like that what so ever before I got here. I was more concerned about the point at hand and did not need any extra details. So I try to practice these principles and be more social. Even though sometimes trying to be social has backfired on me. When I first arrived here I met a girl that is an English teacher. She wanted to display her English skills so she acted as my translator in a conversation I had between her mother and the women that I use to live with. That was the last time I talked to her up until about a month or ago. I saw a very small women her sitting with her friends occasionally glancing at me at a salsa class that I went to. I immediately recognized her as my former translator. I walked over to her with a big smile on my face and said, “Hey haven’t seen you in a long time, how are you”? She looked up and said “Que”? Then I repeated, “How are you”. She then again said “Que” but louder as if I didn’t understand her. At this moment I thought in my head, I know this girl isn’t going to act stupid make me look like a creep in public when I was just trying to be nice. Then I said in the don’t act stupid tone in my voice, “I know you speak English”. Then she said yes I do, ooh my mom told me she talked to you the other day. I was a bit disturbed for 15 minutes after that. To top it off another volunteer that came to the class said “That’s what you get for trying to talk to people, that’s why I talk to no one.”Lesson learned.
But I believe that I failed to do the things that I first strived to be when I got here. I have found myself falling victim to the slow paced life here. I’m no longer the busybody that I once was. It seems that I am more concerned about fitting in than making change happen. When the fact of the matter is that I have never fit in anywhere. I have always been known as the odd or different one, so what makes me think that it would be any different in another country. I have only a short amount of time here and I’m moving at a slow pace as if I am going to live here for good. The contributions I have made to the school do not feel it has been enough to me. I haven’t grasped the culture, way of life and advanced in the language as fast as I wanted. And it’s my own fault, because I haven’t put in all the effort that I need to. Frankly, sometimes I just feel intimidated by the bar that I set for myself. I thought before a year I would be speaking Spanish as clearly as a native, and have multiple projects in the school going on. I have 2 months to reach a year and the things that I thought were going to happen aren’t. During my last night in the states on vacation last week, two friends of mine gave me a dog tag with a map of the world with “Don’t be intimidated to change the world” engraved on the back. Sometimes the smallest things can change the way you think. I realized that there is no reason not to make things happen, the only thing that is standing in the way of accomplishing the things that I came here to do is myself. Even though I didn’t make my one year goal, that doesn’t mean that I can accomplish my second year goal. I need to use less energy into concentrating what is going on in the states and in the past, when I need to concentrate on what is going on here and the present. Don’t get me wrong. I still want to be involved on what’s going on in the life of my family and friends, it’s just that my mind needs to be here and not all over the place like it has been.
After spending probably the best 2 weeks of my life back home in the states, Ive come to realize that most of everything is the same. No buildings have moved, gas prices are still high as hell, this person still doesn’t like that person, and subway sandwiches are still 5 dollars (I think). The only differences are the some of the relationships you have with people. Some stay the same; some become closer to you in your absence, some you can no longer relate too, while others drift away from you because you can’t give them the attention that you once use to have the time to. It makes you come to realize that you don’t have control over those things, just an influence that you have to use wisely. I just hope that the lack of my unwise decisions over that influence hasn’t ruined those slipping relationships, and the lessons I have learned from being here will make the future ones better.
