The last quarter mile

Imagine that you are on a treadmill for the first time running a mile. You have no completed that strenuous third lap and see the digital display displaying that you just have ran 0.75 miles. It feels good that you finally got this far but you are breathing harder and there is a semi sharp cramp forming in your side. You know that you are only 1 lap away from completion and it’s only a third of the distance you have already ran. But it still seems so far away. You try to raise your head up and look at everything else in the gym. Watch other people working out or just looking through the nearest window. When you eyes are swaying the room, you’re proud of yourself and know that you are almost done. Then your eyes slowly drop back down at that digital track and you realize that you didn’t go as far as you thought. All you can think is “Didn’t the other laps go faster than this one”.

That’s how I feel my remaining 7 months is like.  It’s so close but so far away. With those two conflicts of the perception of time, I usually encounter mental clash of emotions. Some weeks go by and the only thing I can think of is “OH Snaps and have to get involved in as many things as I possibly can before I’m gone. I need to to finish strong. Or maybe I should stay longer. Then beat on my chest and say LETS DO THISSSS RAAAAAAA.

And other weeks I’m inside my apartment pacing back and forth with quarter sized beads of sweat on my face feeling like I am about to explode. Thinking that if I’m here another day I’m going to slit my wrist (over exaggeration), or call the office and say I QUIT. Then I realize that I haven’t studied for the GRE yet or found a job, and know that I would go back home jobless and poor. Then I get into my bed and crawl in the fetal position wishing some miracle would happen.

The truth of the matter is, I have no idea what I’m going to do a few months from now. I have no idea if I’m leaving on time, staying longer, or traveling to another country after. Being here I have experienced the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. Sometimes a kids runs up to me and say Hola Alec, or hola teacher and I feel so important, and then other days I have to restrain myself from punting the next door neighbor’s dog.

If you were on the receiving end of a conversation with me when I was having one of those low days, Im sorry, not just to you but to Panama as well. When I use to hear other volunteers complaining, I would be able to talk and relate with them but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Damn you whine too much”. But after stopping and looking at myself, I whined just as much, but instead of the regular complaining, I put it in the form of a joke and thought that would made it ok. But no, I’m just as guilty as the next man. I seriously need to work on improving that flaw. I now realize that to someone outside of this experience hear me vent would think I’m going through some kind of hell. And I can imagine them thinking “why is he still there”. To be honest there are a lot of good days, and they certainly outweigh the bad ones. Matter of fact today is a good day. Just the ability to sit and be able to concentrate on my writing or reading is a good day. Only having to take one shower instead of three is a good day. Or speaking a whole day of Spanish, knowing that I said some things wrong, but everyone still understood me, is an excellent day. It’s a whole different world here. It’s a world where around 80 percent of the projects you attempt, fail. It’s a world where if you find a place where they have a good ice-cream sandwich and you’re in eternal bliss and nothing else matters. Where you have absolutely nothing to do and your only form of entertainment is to stare at the wall or read a book. Or other days you’re extremely busy teaching and traveling all over the province to help in other projects.

All I can do is live the day to day. When I receive comments from friends at home saying “Man why in the hell did you go there, you need to just come back home” , “Any Joe Blow can do your job, you don’t need any training “or “Hey we are proud of you”. I have no idea how to take it. I mean I give the generic responses like “whatever”, ”haha”, ”thank you”, however in reality I have no idea what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m on the right path or not. Maybe when it’s finally over I will have it all figured out. All that I hope is that when it’s finally over I can say I did all that I could possibly do without any regrets.

If you didn't see the slideshow from GAD camp enjoy