Running out of time

I know it’s been a while since I made an entry in this blog. It’s just been busy lately. For the last few months I have been busy with participating in random projects with volunteers and starting some of my own in the school. For some reason things just started moving and projects are actually working. It’s a bitter sweet feeling, to have things finally go my way in regards to work. But it bothers me that things started happening when it came close to my time of departure. Last week was my two year mark of being in this country. Which means that I have only a little over a month left. Seeing things work out sometimes makes me want to stay longer. Thinking to myself maybe I could do a lot more for the school if I stay, and also improve my Spanish. But that thought quickly diminishes when I wake up in the morning and get dressed. When I’m already dressed and walking around I feel fine, but when I take that initial look at my wardrobe I feel annoyed. Almost all of the clothes that I brought with me here are in horrible condition. All my shirts have black stains on the armpits from excessive sweating, bleach stains and holes in my underwear. I look like a hobo. Earlier today I was looking at pictures on facebook from Havanna Club in Atlanta. Everyone looks so fresh, clean, pretty and well dressed. I get self conscious and think ,will I even know how to dress myself correctly according to Atlanta standards when I get back. Last year when I visited Georgia, I met a friend and the first thing he did was look at my feet and say “What the hell are those?” I didn’t understand what the problem was. He said “I don’t understand how you could walk around with those raggedy ass shoes.” He then gave me a new pair of shoes the next day

Besides looking dirty all the time deciding what I’m going to do when I get back has been a constant battle in my mind. I know that I have to study for the GRE and apply for grad school, but the earliest I would be able to get in would be August of next year, which leaves about 10 months of waiting. Just an empty space in time where I would be in limbo. Another volunteer told me the other day “You know when you get back you can do whatever you want. You’ll have a little money in your pocket so you wouldn’t have to get a real job immediately, just do whatever your heart desires.” After thinking about I realized she does have a point. I can use this opportunity of a fresh start to steer my life in whatever direction I want. I could take some random job that I like to do and volunteer for the Red Cross teaching CPR, be on a disaster relief team, or doing health education seminars. It sounds cool, but do I want to be broke? UUUhhhhh most certainly not.  So I have been searching for jobs like crazy. I never realized how difficult searching for one is, until now. I sit at the computer for hours and hours looking for jobs, editing my resume and sending it out to hear nothing back. Competing with people with Masters Degrees and more experience than me. It’s rough out there. Sometimes I just get tired and loose hope. Dealing with it frustrates me and I consider coming back and doing another Peace Corps assignment here in Panama or in another country until school starts. I have already been in talks with them about another project on the other side of country. Even though I’m annoyed with looking and feeling dirty, I’m use to life here. It’s slower and less stressful. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t know if I’m to join the rat race and get back into the life of paying for $3 dollar cups of coffee, car insurance, gas, rent, and all those other random things you lose money on.